As children grow and develop, they begin to challenge their parents. It may be over little things, like what outfit they want to wear or over something bigger. This is a normal, necessary part of child development and is one of the steps to independence. Most parents struggle with the appropriate response to these challenges. This month’s newsletter includes articles about identifying and handling power struggles with your child. The articles are taken from Parenting Press for Parents at www.parentingpress.com.
Mark your calendars for the following opportunities for FUN! Flyers for each event will be in your mailbox soon. Please let us know if you can join us!
May 19th—5:30-6:30 pm. Blue from Blues Clues will be at the Partnership to join us for an Adventure in Reading. Children will have an opportunity to meet Blue and parents will learn about ways to encourage reading. Pizza will be provided so RSVPs are required!
May 31st—10:00-12:00 pm. Family Fun Day at the Partnership.
Coming in June is Pizza in the Park. Watch your mailbox for the flyer!
Tips For Recognizing and Defusing Power Struggles
Check the following list to decide if you are having a power struggle with your child.
Your child doesn’t accept your discipline.
The conflict comes up again and again.
Emotions run high.
The parent-child relationship slowly deteriorates.
If the issue is not resolved, parents have three options for resolving power struggles:
HOLD ON
If it’s a matter of safety, or dearly held family values, hold onto your control. If it’s truly unsafe for your child to venture farther than his current boundaries, then calmly insist he follow the current rules. If he whines, tantrums, or complains, calmly repeat the rule. (If you get emotional in response to his reaction, it will only perpetuate the power struggle.)
COMPROMISE
When you use this option, you turn over a little bit of your control to the child through compromise and negotiation. Maybe you make a deal with your child that his boundaries will be extended somewhat, if accompanied by a friend. If he honors that arrangement and is responsible for a certain amount of time, then you will allow him other choices.
DROP BACK
Letting go is appropriate if you realize that by trying to hold on in a situation you can’t control, you are losing your ability to influence your child; the power struggle dominates the parent-child relationship. In the boundary example, perhaps the parent decides that the current boundaries are based more on her own fear than on her child’s level of capability and responsibility. You many then, with dignity, tell your child that you have changed your mind and believe he is ready for the extended boundaries.
Activity Idea
Avoid the Alligators!
Allow your child to scatter socks or fabric scraps on the floor. Then toss a bean bag or small stuffed animal into the center of the room. It’s now time to save the creature without stepping on an “alligator.“ Another variation is to scatter “lily pads” for the child to step on to rescue their favorite toy. This game could be played outside as well.
Ways to Avoid Struggles & Hassles with your Kids
Tip--You can prevent many a battle by thinking in advance and talking with your children about your expectations for their behavior ahead of time.
A day with children is one fraught with potential for battles and hassles. The good news is that many of these recurring battles can be avoided or defused before they occur. If there is a particular time of day or situation that is difficult (getting out the door in the morning arguments in the grocery store) then take a look at the tools below and see if any can help with your particular problem.
Slow down. Many of us over-schedule our time. Children are not developmentally ready to do things quickly or in an organized fashion. Rushing them can lead to tension and resistance. Tension is a fertile breeding ground for tantrums and power struggles. Allow enough time for things. If you need to get the kids into the car to go somewhere, a useful rule of thumb is to add on ten minutes to the time you usually need.
State your expectations ahead of time. If you do not intend to buy treats or toys at the drugstore, tell your children in the car, "We're buying fertilizer for the garden today--no toys or treats. Anyone who fusses for treats or toys will be assigned an extra chore when we get home." If you do intend to buy something for your child, be specific. For example, you could say, "We are going to spend the money Grandma sent you on a new coat--nothing else. We have $35.00 to spend--no more." I've found it useful with my five year old son to make the following agreement: "We need to buy a card for Aunt Christi's birthday. I'm not buying any toys today, but if you shop nicely with me (stay by me, no whining), I will let you look in the toy aisle for five minutes."
Give notice of time. Many children react badly when interrupted and told to get their coat and shoes on. A five minute warning works wonders. Some parents even use a kitchen timer so the bell becomes the bearer of the news instead of them. If you take your child with you on errands or to some kind of meeting, tell them ahead of time how long it will take and when they can expect to leave.
Offering Choices to Children
Choices are often a great way to avoid potential conflict, but there are a few pitfalls.
Give a choice within a “no choice” situation.
If a child really has no choice in a situation, such as wearing a seat belt, then offer a choice over something he does have control over. For example, he can choose the snack he has in the car seat or the toy or book he wants to hold.
If you offer a child a choice, make sure you can accept either option. If Dad offers his son the choice of cleaning his room and then getting to go to a friend's or not cleaning the room and staying home, then he needs to accept it if his son decides to stay home with a messy room.
Guide children through a series of choices that lead to competency.
If your child wants to control where and when he does his home work, you can ask questions and offer choices that help him develop a plan to succeed. For example, “Will you do your homework before or after dinner?” Will you do it at the kitchen table or in your bedroom?” On nights when you have lots of assignments, will you work non-stop or plan to take a break between assignments?”
Sensory Fun
Whipped Cream Fun
If the weather hasn’t improved and you’re still indoors, try this stimulating activity with your toddler.
You will need: a big clean table space (or simply use the high chair) and whipped cream.
Plop some whipped cream on the table for your toddler with which to touch, spread and finger paint. Give yourself some and do it alongside him. Say, “Oh this feels soft and creamy.” You’ll be surprised at how long this activity entertains.
Sticky Picture Fun
This art activity allows your child to play with the feeling of “sticky.”
You will need: Contact paper, a muffin tin, things to stick: small pictures cut out of magazines, pieces of colorful ribbon, leaves, feathers, etc. Make sure you avoid any choking hazards.
Cut out a large square of contact paper. Tape it to the refrigerator or table, sticky side out. Put the small items in the muffin tin. Show your child how to stick things onto the contact paper. Let her decide what to put on and where to put it. She may only like to touch the stickiness with her fingers. Tell her, “That feels sticky,” and, “You’re making art.” When she finishes, you can save the picture by covering it with clear contact paper.
Fun Break!
To lighten the mood, try these silly and fun activities with your little one. These activities allow your child to practice following your lead and also gives them a chance to be the leader.
At the Zoo. Pretend to be the mama animal and ask your child to pretend to be the baby animal. Gallop like a zebra, roar like a lion, or crawl like a turtle. Take turns being the leader and have fun together.
Have a Parade. March, skip, drive a car, and pretend to play the tuba as you go from room to room. Do not forget to take turns being the leader.
These follow the leader games are excellent for children to get active, burn off some energy and have fun with mom or dad.
New Books in the Resource Library
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, a novel by Mark Haddon.
Christopher John Francis Boone knows all the countries of the world and their capitals and every prime number up to 7,057. He relates well to animals but has no understanding of human emotions. He cannot stand to be touched. And he detests the color yellow. This improbable story of Christopher’s quest to investigate the suspicious death of a neighborhood dog makes for one of the most captivating, unusual, and widely heralded novels in recent years.
Adolescents on the Autism Spectrum: A Parents Guide to the Cognitive, Social, Physical, and Transition Needs of Teenagers With Autism Spectrum Disorders.
This practical guide offers parents strategies for helping their children, whatever their ability level, through the physical and emotional changes of the teenage years and preparing them for adulthood. Valuable topics in this book include:
Health risks including depression and seizures
Useful treatments, therapies, and teaching strategies
Instilling self-esteem, self-advocacy, and self-determination
Teaching practical self-care and social skills for puberty and beyond
Teenage emotions, sexuality, appropriate relationships, and dating
Middle school, high school, and developing the Individualized Education Plan
Preparing an Individualized Transition Plan for life after high-school